


Afterburn

by r0ryy



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Abandonment, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Character Study, F/M, Fire Emblem Fates: Revelation Spoilers, Invisible Kingdom | Revelation Route, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Politics, Post-Fire Emblem Fates: Revelation, Trans My Unit | Avatar (Fire Emblem: Fates), a good chunk of the fates cast will make an appearance but i'm not tagging them all, eventually, i can't believe i haven't actually written about them yet it's a tragedy, ryoma has a lot of issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-31
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-13 05:15:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10507011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r0ryy/pseuds/r0ryy
Summary: I’m leaving, but I will come home to you, I promise. Wait for me.With only a short reprieve after the war against Anankos, Ryoma prepares to become Hoshido's king and face his family, his country, and the new world he has helped to forge from one its highest seats of power. And then Kamui disappears.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello it's me again, with another Fire Emblem fic that no one asked for. A few things to clear up before we get rolling:  
> • Kamui spent about a year in Hoshido before Mikoto’s death and her choice in the war.  
> • Her introduction to the Hoshidan family was more like “Hi, I’m your birth mom and these are my stepkids, welcome to our country!” than what it is in-game.  
> • She and Ryoma were A Thing™ for the last six months or so of her stay Hoshido and got engaged just before the army entered Castle Gyges down in Valla.  
> • About two months passed between the time that Xander and Leo showed up and when everyone jumped into the Bottomless Canyon. 
> 
> *Edit* Chapter 2 is currently in the works, but god help me I've got no idea when it will be done. Hopefully soon. 
> 
> I've got no clue how long this fic is actually going to be, but I do have a general idea of where I want it to go. As it stands, I'm just going to keep writing and post a chapter after every 5k words or so. If you have a moment, please leave comments/kudos/bookmarks or hit me up on tumblr if you feel like it.

Three days after Anakos’ defeat, Kamui is gone.

Ryouma wakes up alone in her bed to warm light spilling in through the window and a small, folded note. The paper lies on her dresser beneath the white flower pin that she always wears in her hair. Kamui told him once that it had been a gift from King Garon for her birthday, a long time ago. Ryouma picks up the flower in one hand and the note in the other.

The words make his heart stop.

_Ryouma,  
I’m leaving, but I will come home to you, I promise. Wait for me. _

He doesn’t register that the pin has fallen from his limp fingers until it hits the ground with a soft, fluttering noise. When he picks it up, he realizes that his hands are trembling. Ryouma swallows and suppresses the urge to race out of the room and start searching for her. It couldn’t have been that long ago that she’d left, Kamui couldn’t have gotten that far, and even if she had, she’d be back by tonight and-

And even as he thinks it, he knows that it’s a lie.

Ryouma knew something was wrong almost immediately after the war was over. He’d watched Kamui’s shoulders sag with an impossible weight whenever she thought that no one was looking, saw how the triumphant smile she put on for everyone fell away when they were alone.

The first night after Anakos’ death, while the rest of the army was still riding high on the adrenaline of their victory and the promise of the peace to come, he’d found her curled up into a ball at the foot of her bed. Wordlessly, Ryouma pulled her into his arms and Kamui _wept_. It had shocked him to the core; after two years of knowing her, one in Hoshido and one during the war, he’d never seen her shed so much as a tear. Not at Mikoto’s death, not when both of her families declared her a traitor, not at their reunion in the lava fields when they’d both brushed so close to death so many times that Ryouma, overcome at the battle’s end, had fallen into her embrace and muffled his sobs in her hair.

Even when Scarlet had died, _their_ Scarlet, Kamui’s grief had manifested itself in bloody battlefields and too many nights spent without sleep, pouring over maps and strategy books and muttering to herself, _“Never again. Not ever again.”_ but never in tears.

Kamui was a pillar, proud and unshakable, and watching her break that night had terrified Ryouma. By the next morning, the tears had stopped, but he had been too worried about accidentally starting them up again to ask Kamui what exactly had caused her to just…fall apart like that. And then it seemed like she was getting better, spending more time with their friends and less shut away in her quarters, laughing and dancing with them when the celebrations had raged on for days, pulling Ryouma down into bed with her and easing both their minds with warm flesh and whispered promises. She still looked impossibly exhausted, but he chalked it up to the weight of the war still taking its toll on her and elected not to pry, but instead to be something quiet and sturdy that she could lean on when she needed to.

And now she is gone.

Familiar panic makes his chest seize up and he remembers, vividly, a thousand times when that same feeling had stopped his breath short. When he’d reached out for Kamui, wherever they were, and begged, feverish in his desperation, “Don’t leave me. Please, please I can’t lose you.” Every time, she would pull him into her arms and hold him until his heartbeat slowed down and it stopped hurting to breathe.

But she isn’t here now, Kamui is gone and Kamui is gone and his father is gone and his stepmother is gone and Scarlet is gone and his mother is gone and Kamui is gone and what little air Ryouma has been managing to inhale is gone too and he is suddenly kneeling on the floor, sweaty hands leaving wet streaks on the polished wood and his chest is heaving and he thinks he might throw up.

 _“Breathe.”_ The memory of Kamui’s voice and she is gone and- _“Just breathe, nice and slow. It’s ok. You’re going to be alright.”_ Ryouma presses his face against his trembling fists and tries to control his breaths. _“It’s ok, I’m here.”_

“But you’re not,” he whispers and the words make a sob catch in his throat.

He’d never forgotten what it was like, dealing with this on his own. The panic attacks had been occurring since before his father’s death, and had grown severe and nearly debilitating after. Ryouma learned how to cope, how to manage politely excusing himself from whatever company he happened to be in, where the best places in Castle Shirasagi were to hide, how to talk himself down until his heartbeat slowed and he could splash his swollen face with cold water and return to the court or his family or his retainers with no one the wiser.

He had learned to be very good at hiding it.

But now, kneeling on Kamui’s floor, muscles wound tight with tension, barely able to think through the nausea and terror, he wishes, desperately, that he didn’t have to endure this alone again.

It is a while before Ryouma begins to calm down; he isn’t sure how much time passes before it’s finally over. As far as panic attacks went, it felt like a long one, the kind that left him tired and sore once it had ended, hands still a little shaky in the aftermath. He spends awhile propped up against the side of Kamui’s bed, staring blankly at the wall and trying to catch his breath, until the small waste bin at the corner of her desk catches his attention.

It is littered with crumpled, ink-stained papers that Ryouma was almost certain hadn’t been there the night before. He hauls himself up slowly, and crosses the room to look. The topmost paper is covered in Kamui’s hasty writing and Ryouma pulls it from the bin, unfolding it with careful fingers. It reads:

_Ryouma,  
I wish I could tell you where I’m going, but I can’t. I know you’d only try to follow me and I won’t put you in danger again. _

There are more sentences after, but those are crossed out beyond comprehension. A first draft, he realizes. The next one is in a similar state.

_Ryouma,  
I would tell you where I’m going but you’ll just try to follow me. Or you’ll send Saizo or Kagero and they don’t _

The rest is struck-through.

Ryouma smooths the papers out on her desk with painstaking care, placing each one he finds beside the next one until they cover its entire surface.

One reads: _Your country needs you right now. Your family needs you. Everyone does and_

Another: _I wish I could say this to you in person._ Several crossed-out lines. _You deserve better than this. I’m so sorry._

The next letter is entirely, angrily smudged away.

The next: _I wish I could apologize for this but I can’t. Anakos was my_

And then: _I am not human._

And: _You need s_

_Wait for me. Please I only_

_Please tell everyone I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, but I won’t be gone forever. I’ll come back I promise, I_

_I can’t put you in danger anymore. I won’t lose you_

The next two are unreadable.

 _I think you’re the only one who will really understand why I have to do this. You live by honor and duty; it’s something I’ve always respected about you, but never really understood until now. I suppose I’ve always just done whatever I think is right, but I’ve never been so confused about what that is until now. On one hand, I know that you need me here, I know that both of my families, both of my countries do, but on the other_ The next paragraph is crossed out. _I know you, I know that you’re stubborn and don’t know when to quit, but if you ever listen to anything I have to say, please let it be this: don’t look for me. Don’t come after me. I couldn’t live with myself if you_

_I love you. I love you. I love you so much_

The last one is still damp.

Ryouma finds fifteen in total, thirteen that are decipherable. He reads and rereads them until the words start to blur in front of his eyes and a polite knock on the door to Kamui’s room jolts him out of his stupor. Hastily, he scrubs his face dry and tries to appear something close to presentable when he opens the door. Kagero is on the other side.

“Good afternoon, milord.” Afternoon? “I’ve come to inform Lady Kamui that Scarlet’s wyvern is missing from the roost.”

“…ah,” he manages. So she hadn’t decided to travel on foot. That would give her a significant advantage if he actually went out to search for her, it made sense –

“Milord is she in…” Kagero trails off. Ryouma watches her take stock of him, the red eyes and desolate expression that he’s too exhausted to hide properly. She puts two and two together very quickly. “Ah, I see. Do you have any idea when she will be back?”

Ryouma shakes his head mutely, willing the lump in his throat back down so he might speak properly.

“Would you like me to go search for h-”

“No!” The suddenness of his speech takes them both by surprise. Ryouma swallows. “No, she…doesn’t want us to follow her.”

Kagero nods. “Do you know where she is going?”

He shakes his head again.

“Do you know how long she-”

“No.” His voice is strained.

“Understood.” She pauses. “Is there…anything I can do for you, milord?”

Ryouma takes a quick breath in an attempt to clear his head. “Yes I…you should inform everyone else of Kamui’s…departure. Make sure they understand that we don’t know anything except that she intends to come back and she does not want anyone to search for her.”

“Will that be all, milord?”

“Yes.”

She nods. “As you will.” And then Kagero leaves and Ryouma is, suffocatingly, alone again.

 

* * *

 

He drags himself out of where he’d been laying in the crumpled mess of Kamui’s sheets about two hours later when someone knocks on the door again. Ryouma braces himself, expecting Hinoka or Takumi or Xander, or worse, Camilla or Jakob, coming to hound him with questions that he doesn’t know the answer to.

Instead, he finds Sakura with small, hesitant smile and a tray of tea.

“I know Kagero said we shouldn’t bother you, but I just thought you might want a little company, for a while?”

The tension falls out of Ryouma’s shoulders and he smiles in relief, holding the door open so that Sakura can come inside.

“Of course.”

The tea is his favorite kind, with the ginger extract, and they drink it together in relative, if comfortable, silence until Ryouma thinks to break it.

“I must admit, I was expecting company much less pleasant than this.”

“Oh,” she replies, “Kagero told everyone that you didn’t know anything else about...umm, well…” Ryouma nods to spare her. Sakura smiles, albeit a little sadly. “Hinoka and Camilla went out to look for her as soon as they found out.”

Ryouma hums, and hides his little frown behind another sip of tea.

“Takumi’s been kind of, well not kind of I guess, hounding everyone in camp. He’s trying to find out if anyone knows anything, even though they don’t. He wanted to come find you, but Kagero told him that you didn’t want to be disturbed and then she got that really scary look on her face when he kept insisting.”

Ryouma actually laughs a little at that. It is small, but it’s something, and it makes Sakura smile too, happier this time.

“Leo and Xander seemed to understand, and Elise said that she did, but she kept crying until she decided that Kamui would want us to keep having our victory celebrations without her, and then she got busy planning another one for tonight, so I think that helped.” She takes another sip of her tea.

Ryouma’s voice is gentle when he asks, “And what about you?”

“M-me? Oh, I’m fine! I mean, Kamui’s been away from us before and she’ll be back soon, right?” When Sakura doesn’t go on, Ryouma knows that she is looking for an answer and it is almost physically painful that he doesn’t have one.

“I don’t know,” he murmurs, unable to meet her hopeful eyes. “She…promised to come back, but nothing more.”

“O-oh.” It is even more painful watching Sakura deflate. They are quiet again for some time. “Well…I’m sure she’s not going to be away for too long!” Ryouma smiles, if weakly, at her optimism. “There are too many important things coming up. You have your coronation and Xander has his wedding and-”

“Wait, Xander is getting married?”

“Oh, yes, to Laslow! They announced it this morning.”

“Hmm,” he muses, staring down at his teacup in wonder. “That’s fantastic, I’m happy for them.”

Sakura giggles. “Me too! I know we can’t be there for Xander’s coronation, but we can all visit Nohr for the wedding, and see all our friends again, and apparently Kamui was the one who convinced them to go ahead with it, so I’m sure she’ll be there!”

“She convinced them?”

“Yes, Xander said they were planning to wait until things settled down after the war, but he talked with Kamui about it a few nights ago. He said she made him reconsider what was really important.”

Ryouma smiles. “She does tend to have that effect on people.”

Sakura smiles back at him, but it isn’t long until the expression bleeds from her face. Ryouma’s brow furrows.

“What’s wrong?”

“Well, I just…” she glances down at her lap. “I-I’m going to miss her. Until she gets back.” Sakura’s voice wavers and hearing it makes Ryouma’s chest ache.

“Come here,” he murmurs, holding out his arms. Sakura scoots across the space between them and snuggles into him, gratefully. Ryouma gathers her up and rubs her back for a while until her sniffles subside. As he wipes the lingering wetness on her cheeks away with the edge of his sleeve, he whispers “I’m going to miss her too.”

 

* * *

 

As promised, Elise cajoled the camp into another party that night, not that it was difficult; after three consecutive nights of post-war celebrations, everyone was eager to continue with their feasting and drinking and dancing. There was a certain dampness over everyone’s mood, however, and they were all feeling Kamui’s absence keenly, but the threat of letting Elise and her earnest optimism down was enough encouragement for everyone to put in their best effort, and the evening turned out to be quite enjoyable after all.

Ryouma was no exception, but found that the night began to wear on him very quickly. Most people seemed to be of the opinion that Kamui would be back within a week or two, but he couldn’t seem to shake the weight in his stomach and the voice that kept whispering to him that she was _never_ coming back. Ryouma wrestled that anxiety back down, for everyone’s sake.

He made a special effort to congratulate Xander on his engagement, but was only able to speak with his friend for a short while before the other prince was being pulled in five other directions by both well-wishers and his fiancé. The two stuck close to each other, and seeing them so casually, effortlessly together delivered a sharp pang of jealousy that Ryouma dutifully swallowed back down.

He’d consoled Camilla and Hinoka for a while when they sought him out, but the only thing they seemed to want to talk about was Kamui and where she might be and all the trouble she could be getting into, which had gotten very depressing very quickly. Fortunately, Leo chose an excellent time to pull him away with some half-formed excuse that the two had been too caught up in their conversation to properly listen to. He pushed a drink into Ryouma’s hands and clapped him once on the shoulder.

“She’ll be fine, stop worrying,” he said, then vanished back into the crowd.

The drink turned out to be water and Ryouma, suddenly realizing just how thirsty he was, drank it down gratefully. But his reprieve was short lived before Takumi, still in his armor, came to find him and demanded to know where Kamui had gone and when she would be back and exactly what his brother knew. He’d fired the questions off in too rapid of a succession to allow Ryouma to actually answer, or get any word in at all really, but he’d attempted to calm Takumi down nevertheless.

May the gods bless Leo for his incredible perception, because the Nohrian prince comes back just as Takumi is getting angry because of what he saw as refusal to reveal information. With a few well-thrown barbs, Leo redirected the Hoshidan prince’s boiling ire onto himself and rolled Takumi into another argument. Ryouma took the gift as it was and skirted away, throwing a grateful smile over his shoulder that Leo returns, even as Takumi begins shouting at him.   

Ryouma knows his brother is only upset by Kamui’s sudden disappearance, probably scared and lonely, but the day has taken its toll on him and he resolves to seek Takumi out in the morning, after he’s had some time to calm down. Ryouma slips away from the party altogether, exhaustion weighing down his body and making his steps slow. He knows it would be wise to return to his own chambers for the night, but his feet take him back to Kamui’s room, almost without him willing it. The idea of wallowing around in his own misery is pathetic, but the thought of going back to his own bed, cold and alone, is worse. At least in her room, he’ll have the letters, and the scent of her clinging to the sheets, and a hundred other little reminders that she _will_ be back soon. That she _has_ to.

Ryouma climbs up the ladder up to her door, and is surprised to find Oboro standing in front of it, staring blankly at the wood. He stands for a moment, silently debating whether or not to leave, but his concern wins out over the embarrassment of being caught slinking into Kamui’s empty room and he steps forward.

“Oboro?” he says, voice gentle. “Are you alright?”

She starts, spinning to face him and quickly shifting her hands to hide something behind her back.

“Oh, Lord Ryouma! Yeah. Yeah, of course. I’m fine.”

His eyes soften at her obviously flimsy excuse.

“Would you like to talk?”

Oboro hesitates, visibly debating whether or not to accept his offer before she sighs and produces a length of fabric from behind her back. She looks down at it and runs her fingers across its silky, patterned surface for a moment before she speaks.

“Sorry,” Oboro mumbles, “I was…I was just really looking forward to designing her outfits for your coronation.” She laughs, small and self-deprecating. “I know it’s selfish but, we always talked about it. Kamui promised I could make them and we used to come up with ideas together and look at potential fabrics and doing that…well it always made me think that one day this war really would end and I’d have time to make nice clothes again.” She paces over to the balcony and leans against the railing, still fiddling with the cloth. “Now the war _is_ over, for us, but I get the feeling that Kamui’s still out there fighting somewhere. Losing her like this, even if it’s only for a little while, makes it feel like the war is still going on like…like it’ll never end.”

Ryouma meets her by the railing and lays a quiet hand on her shoulder.

“I know how you feel,” he murmurs. “I’m worried about her too. But Kamui is strong and I trust that she knows what she’s doing.” The words are as much to convince himself as Oboro.

She sighs again. “I do too, but I just can’t stop worrying. Knowing her, whatever she’s doing is probably, one, dangerous, and two, something she feels like she has to deal with alone and she _doesn’t_. Any one of us would follow her wherever she…” The fabric rips.

Oboro stairs down at it like she hadn’t even realized that she’d been wringing it in her hands that hard. Her body sags and Ryouma’s eyebrows furrow as he squeezes her shoulder, gently.

“Don’t worry too much Oboro, she’ll be back by then.”

She looks up at him, mouth quirked into a confused little frown. “Huh?”

“By the coronation, I’m sure that Kamui will be back before then.”

Oboro sniffs once and quickly rubs at her eyes. “You really think so?”

Ryouma smiles, tenderly. “I do. And I know you’ll have something spectacular already made for her by the time she gets back.”

Oboro smiles back, a little watery, but full of a new determination.

“Well, I guess I’d better get started then.”

“Maybe get some sleep first,” he suggests, looking up at the darkened sky.

“Yeah, it is pretty late, huh?” Oboro folds the torn fabric back up, preparing to leave. “Tomorrow, then!”

“That’s the spirit,” he says.

Before she descends the ladder, Oboro throws another grin back up at him.

“Thank you for that, Lord Ryouma.”

He returns it. “Anytime.”

It is only after Oboro is gone and he is alone in Kamui’s room that Ryouma lets the full weight of everything that had happened that day descend on him. When it does, his knees nearly buckle. Ryouma slumps against the door and mostly succeeds in preventing another panic attack when the crushing loneliness presses in on him from all sides, filling his lungs and mouth and making his head spin.

After it has all but passed, Ryouma rereads her letters thrice more apiece before he finally feels calm enough to collapse into her bed, confident that his total and overwhelming exhaustion will lead to at least a modicum of sleep tonight. He wriggles under Kamui’s familiar sheets and lets the comforting scent of her wash over him. Ryouma breathes slowly, face half-buried in her pillow, taking what solace he can in this.

He realizes, sometime later, that he’d picked up her flower pin again and has been running his fingers along its silken petals. Ryouma brings it close to his face and whispers, “She will be back by the coronation.”

_She will be back by the coronation._

 


End file.
